Joke, new to me anyways

[Freightliner]

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'Her parents beamed. 'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?' I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[Freightliner]

http://www.wikkidpissah.com/HuntingtheLiberals.jpg

[Freightliner]

http://www.wikkidpissah.com/getfuzzy2007090116399.jpg

[Freightliner]

http://www.wikkidpissah.com/wizofid.JPG

[Freightliner]

I've been wondering why I feel so tired. I've been blaming it on lack of
sleep,not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,earwax build-up,
poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real
reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. . .

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 16.2 million to d o the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.
__________________

[Freightliner]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, 'Now don't be silly
dear, you know this car doesn't have cruise control!

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls , 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once??!!'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers
at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'DAMN it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!!!!!!'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!!!!!'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ' Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I LOVE THIS PART....)

































'Only when he's been drinking.

[Freightliner]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband.
The newscaster announced, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde started crying, sobbing hysterically, "That's horrible! So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he replied, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[Freightliner]

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,'Your sense of humour!'

[Freightliner]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'OK, get in the car with it.'

The wife says, 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?' said the wife.

He says, 'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with ... died at the scene.

[Freightliner]

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE:Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:hat would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:No, she's left-handed.


WIFE:- silence - -


HUSBAND: F * ck ....

[Ninjahedge]

http://www.wikkidpissah.com/HuntingtheLiberals.jpg


GO BURKE!!!

I miss Bill and Opus. Where's my Turnip Twaddler?

[dragonash]

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'Her parents beamed. 'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?' I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her parents still aren't speaking to me.


dats a good one :)

[Kicker]

Here is one for ya.

http://pipboy2002.mine.nu:16080/humor/PASSWORfD.jpg

[Kicker]

http://media.caglecartoons.com/preview/%7b7d729422-adc9-4327-b3f5-48c85ba51083%7d.gif

[Slayer]

GO BURKE!!!

I miss Bill and Opus. Where's my Turnip Twaddler?


http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=f790808e48ee49a57c21982f535637fa



Didn't you buy 75 of them!! :D

Hey Ninja, when you found out you were going to be a dad...was this you? :p

http://www.clarity.net/~paul/images/BloomCounty/websize/bc18.jpg

[Slayer]

Found THEM!! :D

http://images.salon.com/comics/opus/2008/03/02/opus/story.jpg

[Freightliner]

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i169/jabberwo/Misc/Salsa.jpg